So I'm having a bit of a stressful time. You see, I am in the last two week stretch before finals week, which means I have a hell of a lot to do. I love my classes, but it seems everything is just piling up all at once, and I'm not one to let things just get worse and worse. It doesn't help that there are some external stresses going on, including a family stresser.

So on Wednesday I was pissed off that I had to be in class while it was sunny and warm, and a really great day outside. I was working on my most recent art project for my 3-dimensional art class (we're chiseling plaster sculptures). I was working on the top of my sculpture about 20 minutes before class officially let out, and I hit it and it cracked in two. I started freaking out, and I couldn't even form words. I just started laughing and crying at the same time, knowing that I only had two weeks to finish it. I was a mess. My teacher was no help either. He seems to think lesser of me, either because I'm a girl, or because I'm not really one to take all his bullshit, I rather call him on it. I sat there for about 30 minutes, class was over, I hadn't cleaned up, but just sat there stareing at the broken mass in front of me wondering what in all hell I was going to do. I was startled a bit when the one really amazingly hot guy was standing next to me. He stayed and calmed me down, talking me through what I was going to do, and how I was going to do it in order to finish it on time. It was amazing of him to do, and I knew that I may have actually found a hot guy that wasn't gay and was really nice.

Then on Saterday I went to the mall with Lauren, she wanted to get her ears pierced again. I was looking at some of the earings, thinking about redoing my second holes when I realized I couldn't. Because I can't even get my ears pierced with out having my mommy or daddy with me because I am under the age of 18. I mean seriously, I can understand under 16, but seriously. I am annoyed out of my mind, esspecially because it just adds to the list of things I couldn't do with my friends just because I'm smart and motivated. It just irks me sometimes that 'adults' think that just because someone isn't 18 their minds are clouded.

The dred of Saterday didn't end with the ears, actually that was nothing compared to what was comming next. I had just stepped out of the shower, and was standing in the hall talking to Lauren in my towel when my phone rang. I ran back to my room and checked it seeing it was my mom, and answered it. She called to tell me that my grandmother has cancer again. My grandmother is in her 70's and has had cancer twice already, breast cancer and ovarian cancer, she beat it both times. This time she has renal cancer, it's in the kidney, and she is having surgery on the 12th of May. My mom is going to fly down to North Carolina to spend the time with her and help her recover. While she's gone I get to tend to everything up here. As well as getting my wisdom teeth removed. She's even showing me how to do the bills before she leaves just in case. I love my mom and I don't hold this agains't anyone, but I just feel all this stress comming on me all at once. I just wish that everything would just be easy for once. Just once I wish that I could be old enough to just hid away somewhere for a day or two, but one I don't have the money, and two I'm not old enought to do anything on my own except drive, and I don't have a car.

On a lighter note...
So I didn't have my 3-dimensional class again until today, but when I got into class I sat down and started doing exactly what we had talked about, and it hasn't broke yet (knock on wood). Anyway after class I went over to his table (he was still cleaning up) I sat down and looked at his sculpture and thanked him yet again for helping me. He and I started talking, and low and behold he took is sculpture and started working on it again. We sat in the classroom for over an hour and a half just talking about random things and sitting. We talked about work (he works at six flags as "Batman" hence the nickname) and school, family and relationships, all things, including the fact that he was 23 and not 27 like I thought he was. Still to old for me, but screw it he is amazing to look at, basically think swimmer and baseball player thrown into a guy who was a nerd in highschool, and knows how to dance. Not that I'll get anywhere other than being his friend, but at least it'll be interesting.

I wish that I had the guts to persue him, but I don't have the guts to put him in that position. I wouldn't do that to him, not to him. I hate this whole being illegal thing, it sucks. I don't have the patience to wait 6 months to be able to kiss a guy who I go to school with. I don't want to have to hold back everytime I get hit on just because I don't want to be put into the position of getting hurt because they don't want to risk it. I'm sick of having to be a tame version of me when I just want to be the real me. Is that so wrong.

Right now the underage part I can handle, but the stress I cant. But who knows maybe I'll find a bat signal. Well I can only hope.

Fee

Okay, so a lot of stuff has been going on lately, so this may take just a little while, but stick with me. So last week there was this afterparty for a school event at the brat stop (local trucker bar) and guess what, that's right you had to be 18 to get in. So while all of my friends were off having fun and getting drunk I got to stay home. Though my roommie sha nay nay, ashlee, chris and t.c. where here it just wasn't my scene, a little bit to much grass. I just wanted to have fun, and I don't need drugs or liquor to do that, but aparently I did need about 6 1/2 more months of life. So I ended up going to bed at like 11, about 3 hours before everyone decided to show up at the apartment, so I slept right through it. Fun, fun right, esspecially after I got to see all the crazy pictures on facebook, and here the wild stories from lauren and darcy. I just got a little mad because there is nothing I could do about it.

Then, I went home with Lauren for a night, and we went out with her parents. Well, I kept them from going to their local bar because I'm not 18, as well as, made her parents a little uncomfortable at the bar we did end up at because they were afraid someone was going to say something. It wasn't like they were carding, I wasn't drinking, and I just don't know. I don't really look like I'm underage, I mean I get shocked looks when people find out, so I guess that's a good thing. But it still made me feel kinda shitty, not to mention then I started to get nausous, and couldn't eat dinner which made me feel like a bad guest. I just can't win, though lunch the next day was delicious, and I got to see some pretty neat shit while I was there (Kohler WI.)

Ok so now I dyed my hair a really dark brown (almost black but not) on Sunday, and it looks totally adorable. I feel amazing about it, and aparently it shows through. I keep getting talked about, and hit on, it makes me feel great, and some of the guys are really cute. But the problem is that all of the guys are older than me...duh... and I really can't do anything about the fact that I'm still considered jailbait. I'm hoping they won't mind, esspecially since I'm not looking for anything serious, hell I'm not really looking for anything I'm doing fine by myself. But it is nice to get the attention. I know one guy is crushing on me because well he told me, the others are more subtle, but when you mention how amazing a girls hair looks with the added sexy voice and entrusion into the personal bubble it's hitting on her.

I have to say that even though I shouldn't make a move on any of the guys that's not going to stop me. I am not about to make my life harder by not doing what I want to do. I mean yes I may be legal considered a minor, but what is an adult anyway. It's someone who takes responsibility for their actions, who is able to make their own decisions, and is able to stand on their own two feet in a situation. Personally I think I'm more adult than a lot of the people I've met over 18. I can't belive that just because of a few months difference people can think so much differently about me. But I guess to most people age isn't just a number. Esspecially, when it's not 18 or older.

That's all for now, I guess it isn't a horrible amount...here's to next time.

Fee

So I am seriously starting to get frustrated with myself. Normally when I like a guy I just get right on hitting on him, and I sort of did that, but the guy I like is a little more complicated. You see first off I kinda decided that I'm just gonna do whatever, and not really hope, or care wheither or not anything comes from it, or if anything happens at all. But I am seriously feeling enept at this moment in time. You see the guy I like is a part of my group of friends, which poses a problem because of the possible consiqueces of me making advances, scaring him off then it being all weird and him talking to the rest of my friends. The other problems that it poses, is that if something were to happen, which is kinda doubtful but still, I will have to deal with the friends saying shit. I'm sure that my guy friends (a.k.a. his roommates) will have something to say about how it's not right that we're doing this, because he is 22 (I swear I don't like him because of that) and I'm still jailbait. I also know that he'll listen to them without a doubt in his mind because they are his friends. I don't know why I keep picking the guys who are over 21. I swear every guy that I think is attractive is either over 21, dating someone, gay, or in some other way unavailable to me. I just really wish that I could forget about these guys and just go to being me. Which I really don't know who that is right now. I should probably figure that out before I start blaming other things though shouldn't I. I guess I just hope that some light will flash on inside of my head and illuminate who I really am. At this point I'm not really sure about anything except I don't know what I would do without Lauren. She is my best friend, and I know that she would do anything for me. Hell she's trying to figure out if Mikey (the guy) likes me. Then again she is more connected with the guys than I am. I just don't know who I am really at this point. I know that I'm not of age, and that everyone acts like they need to protect me because of that (except some of my really close friends). I mean I'm in the choir, and people there bond really close, we talk a lot, and click really well. Esspecially the alto's (me) because we aren't as divaish as the sopranos (Sorry). I have two girls esspecially who are great, though I was wearing a very low cut shirt the other day, and they both made that motherly face, one even tried to cover me up, just out of poking fun. It's nice to know that I can make friends even if it is just during a class. I seem to be making a lot more friends, no matter my age. Though I will say that it's easier to make them when I don't tell them how old I am first. By just not mentioning it until they ask, or it comes up it takes a lot of pressure off of me. I don't seem to always understand where they're coming from though, I mean it's just a lot different. They can talk about how young I am, but they can't say a word about who I am because they were still in high school at my age. Hell most people my age are in highschool. There is a very small percentage of people who go to college early, and an even smaller percent that actually thrive in college. I can only be thankful that I am in that smaller percent. It seems that if I didn't have the social skills to go along with my vocabulary and intelligence than I would fall flat on my face. I would probably end up going home every weekend to visit my parents, while next weekend Lauren and I are going to Beloit to see Sha-Nita pass on her crown (she's Miss Beloit). I am getting so many new experiences here, and looking back on all of the things that I have been apart of I'm almost blown away. I mean not all of it was leagal, in fact a lot of it wasn't, but not horribly illegal. I just got to live my life in a way most dream about. I'm an art major, do you know how few people can say that their parents are actually okay with that. My parents support me, my friends support me, and I even get along with my teachers. I really wish that I could tell you everything about what I do here, but it wouldn't all fit. My life is crazy and hectic, and whenever I think I've finished everything something new pops up. My homework is on the rise and I'm stressed for time, but I still somehow seem to get my A's and B's while having an amazing social life. I have no idea how I pull all this shit off. It has to be genetic or something, though I don't really know. My brain just seems to work at a million miles per hour sometimes, and I think it's just about overloaded with work. I sat down to write a paper today, and I have total and complete writers block. I have to have it somewhat done by Monday, so I guess tomarrow I'll have to buckle down and do it. Then I've go to get someone to pose so that I can draw them for tuesday, not to mention on wednesday my business homework is due, and I have a choir tour that starts at 7 and lasts till 1 so I miss two classes, and get back just in time to rush to my last class. Then I'll have to deal with all the homework I have for friday, which means having a final draft of my english paper, I have to finish my entire art project by the 9th of april, and it's just going to be crazy. I know that this is what every college student goes through, but I just want you to know if anyone ever told you college was easy, they lied. Until next time still underage, and still in college.

Fee

So it's spring break, and halfway through the spring semester. I only have 8 weeks left, yeay! :) I personally cannot wait for summer, though I will miss the eye candy in some of my classes. I have friends, and they are great, but I do miss being at home (not having to buy my own food!) I keep feeling like I'm limited in what I do, but its more than just a feeling. I am constantly seeing things that I have to be 18 to enter, or 18 to use. It's something that I am constantly bombarded with every single day. Now I've learned to deal with that having an older sister and all, but my roommates, my sister, and my friends have become ever more annoying than they normally are. They seem to constantly be ragging on me for being young. I get it, but don't keep pushing. My friends/ roommates are constantly saying, well you're the youngest, and making cracks about me being seventeen. My sister is an over protective bitch most days, who is always saying "Well you cant do that!" or when we get asked something by anyone, but mostly when it's someone cute "You cant, you're not old enough." She acts like she's my best friend at times, but then she switches over to a bitchy sister. We were talking about "Hooters" the other day, and I mentioned that maybe I would try to get a job there when I was old enough, swiched to bitch, but when I go to get something to eat, or when she wants something from me, she goes right to being a wonderful sister and wanting to be my best friend. I really wish that she didn't have the leverage of being 6 years older than me, but she does. I really want to just be able to tell her to stop, but she doesn't listen to me. When I try to talk to her about it she explodes, and she just says that I'm yelling at her, and that she could take things away from me. I really wish that she couldn't hold my age over me, mostly because it's something I can't change.

Fee

So as if talking to guys isn't hard enough for me in the first place, I'm in a whole new universe here. Where guys can get arrested for doing anything with me. Now, I'm not exactly the dream girl, but I do have my "attributes". I wont go into what they are, but they are there. I just have this problem with connecting what I want to say, and how to say it when it comes to guys I think are cute. Like there's this guy in my Enlish class, who sits right next to me. He is mildly adorable, he kinda has that jock thing going on with a little bit of prep, but not to much. Normally not my style, but why not right. I saw him at the basketball game the other day, and when I looked him up on facebook I found out that he's only a little over a year older than me. But do I talk to him? The answer to that would be no. The most interaction we've had was today. We had peer review for a paper we're writing today, and we had to pass our papers around the room. I passed mine to him, and the girl in front of me passed hers to me. We were going pretty fast with the papers we were getting, so we kept passing them, and we would all finish then sit there. I feel like I'm a little crazy, cause' I really liked the fact that I got to look at him, and I know that sounds stalkerish, and kinda 8th grade, but hey, every girl likes some man candy. I feel like a crazed teenager (oh wait I am) but that is no excuse. I just want to get to kiss someone, which is probably a bad thing to say, but did you ever just want someone to hug you, and give you a kiss. I would like to maybe get a date out of it to, but I don't tend to hold my breath about those things. I guess it's more intense a thing since valentines day is literally 2 days away, and I'm stuck being single, and watching all the lovey dovey things going on around me. It's really really annoying to want to have someone to kiss, and not have someone to kiss. It's not like I get offers every time I leave the house, hell I haven't had a serious offer since my last boyfriend, then my rebound guy (only lasted two nights). I just feel annoyed at the whol thing I guess, or more at myself. I've even tried looking cute everyday this semester. I havent worn my baggy sweatshirt to school once, except to breakfast on Saterday when everyone wheres their pajamas. I think it may be that I want it to bad to actually get it. But I have this nagging feeling that no matter what I do I'm not going to get anything anyway. It's not like I want a hot older guy just to have one. I don't really have a choice when it comes to age except for older, unless people expect me to go search the highschools for dates. So what they can pick me up in their moms car, and have to be home by 10 on weekdays, no thank you. I'm sorry to say it, but I would not be a good influence on a highschool guy, even if I am smart. I'm not a nerd though I am kinda a geek in a hot way...hey sometimes I have to be shallow sorry. I like to think of myself as normal, though somethings about me aren't exactly normal. I wish that guys would see me the same way they do when they first meet me, when they find out how old I am, but that isn't always the case, okay well it's never really the case. I'm seventeen, and that means that I'm not legal. Though laws are much more lax not that I'm less than a year away from being an "adult". I put that in quotations because in my head and in my heart I'm already an adult. Scientists might say that my "brain is still developing" but I understand actions have effects. That affect everyones lives. I'm not some juvinile who is going around snaring guys who don't know what they're getting into. I'm a college co-ed, and I want to be able to date who I want when I want. I worked so hard to be able to get into college early and out of highschool. Should my already strained social life have to take a major side track because of it. I may be young, but that doesn't mean I'm any different from the people here. I take the same classes, and have to meet the same standards as everyone else does. Shouldn't that mean that I should be given the same chances as everyone else gets. I guess it gets down to the fact that most people are uncomfortable with me. That's the price you pay I guess when you're underage, and in a co-ed college.

I'll keep you updated

Fee